Self Care Series PIII: Leave Toxicity Behind!!!!

Jul 7

Hi everyone! Today I want to discuss the issues surrounding toxicity while also sharing my own issues within that. Being around toxic people or even environments, or being toxic ourselves is quite common in today's world. It is important that we eliminate these factors in our lives so we don’t let them consume us, for the sake of our mental and physical health.

But first we must ask the question.

What does Toxic mean?

The word “Toxic” according to Merriam-Webster means something that is “malicious and harmful”.

This does not only mean something in a chemical sense but also in the relationships, personalities, and environments we encounter.

How do we identify these factors?

Toxic Relationships:

This does not only involve the romantic side to our relationships, but this also includes friendships, our relationships towards our families, or our relationships surrounding certain objects or continual practices. The relationships we share with others and objects can strongly influence the feelings we have towards ourselves, which can be a detrimental effect towards our mental health and self love journey.

What are some signs you may be in a toxic relationship with someone?

You or Them Begin To Withdraw From Each Other or Feel Drained.

If you feel drained around this person, or feel like you're wanting to withdraw from this person and your relationship towards them, then this is probably not a good sign.

Of course, we all may have our bad days where we just want to be left alone. But if this person is constantly the root cause of you wanting to be left alone, or making you want to leave them due to all of the negativity they make you feel, then this could be a sign of you being in a toxic relationship.

2. This Person Constantly Lies to You or Is Often Neglecting How You May Feel.

If you’ve seen them continuously lie to you, or not seem to notice or care about how you feel, then this could be a sign you’re in a toxic relationship.

If they constantly show you dishonesty this can create a strong lack of trust in them within you. In any form of a relationship, it is important to be honest with one another. Also if you feel like they are constantly neglectful of how you feel, even when you bring it up, this could also be a sign of a toxic relationship as they may not really seem to care. In any relationship, we should all be kind towards each other and not neglect one another.

3. Feeling like You’re Walking on Eggshells:

This is probably one of the biggest red flags.

If you ever feel like you have to be careful of what you say and do in front of someone, then this could be a big sign of being in a toxic relationship. When we are with people who should be caring about us, we shouldnt be afraid of embracing who we are in front of them. If being yourself can cause conflict or if saying or doing certain things that may seem harmless can cause tension, then this is a sign that you are in a toxic relationship.

Of course, these are just a few signs. However, sources such as insider.com or thesource.org have much more signs of identifying these types of signs, which will be linked below.

Also, any forms of violence or verbage that hurts you is a major sign of being in a toxic relationship.

There may be times where you want to try to fix it. If so, have a sit down with this person, and tell them how you feel. If they neglect or don’t seem to care about how you feel after your heartfelt conversation, then I strongly suggest that you should cut them off to leave them. If you feel like you may be in danger of doing so, please immediately call 911, or follow some of the hotline numbers and resources below. It is important that you take care of yourself, and by leaving what is making you feel horrible is the first step towards healing.

Please try your best to take care of yourself, and don't neglect yourself and your needs and dreams okay

Next form of toxicity that we may have encountered is toxic environments. For many of us, these can include things such as workplaces, school, parties or events, or even for some, their homes.

What are signs that you may be in a toxic environment?

You May Feel Uneasy or Uncomfortable:

If your gut begins to feel uneasy, or if you don't feel happy or safe in the environment you are in, then this could be a sign of being in a toxic environment.
If your gut feels uncomfortable, then it's probably right. If you're in an uncomfortable situation, please try your hardest to evacuate from where you are. This could be from changing friend groups, to quitting that job, or even to telling a counselor or social worker some of the issues that you may be facing at home or other areas so they could help you exit from that situation.

2. Your Mental Health Is Deteriorating:

If you constantly feel you are stressed or anxious, sad, or depressed when in this environment, then this is a sign of being in a toxic environment.

In my life, I have recently learned that no place, no person, nothing is ever worth compromising your mental health. If you are experiencing terrible effects on your mental health because of the environment, please try to leave. Talk to someone such as a therapist, social worker, a parent, or authorities if you feel you are in danger of doing so. Trust me, leaving a place that makes you miserable is the greatest feeling ever.

3. Not Feeling Appreciated or Valued:

If you never feel acknowledged, or if you feel like you don’t matter towards the peers or the people you are surrounded with. Then this is not a good sign.

I have felt this feeling before and I hated it so much. In my toxic environment, I was made to feel like I didn’t matter. That no ne cared about me or saw me as an equal. From leaving this environment, I felt a large feeling of relief and peace, and I promise you, you will too.

I want to talk a bit about my own experience.

DISCLAIMER: The following piece of writing is my own experience and opinions. It does not represent the franchise as a whole nor does it intend to make any factual claims about the company or individuals within it. No information about any actual real life names, franchises, or any other personal details will be disclosed in this post.

Also, PLEASE DON’T SUE ME I AM ONLY 17 AND I AIN’T GoT LAWYER MONEY!!

For about 10 months, I worked at a local drive thru by my house. And from the beginning of my employment, no actually, BEFORE I got employed, I got all red flags. For about 10 months, I worked at a local drive thru by my house. Let’s call it Bookers. And from the beginning of my employment, no actually, BEFORE I got employed, I got all red flags. Bookers was connected through another franchise, let’s call it Beekers. (Stupid names I know lol).

My friend, who worked in a department in Beekers, which is affiliated with Bookers, recommended the job to me. I was not aware until AFTER I pulled up to the interview that the place was a drive thru (silly me). I was scheduled for an interview and the interviewer seemed really nice. But then, he started acting a bit strange. Anytime I would answer a question, he would stare at my chest and I just felt slightly uncomfortable. He seemed friendly, so I felt bad being uncomfortable. But during that, that was when I felt like “Maybe, I shouldn’t be applying here.” But, I needed the money as I broke my phone just a few days prior. (Also an update on him, I never saw him again after that. Usually the HR manager would interview but he was on vacation. Also some of my friends, who worked in the same enterprise and worked near him for almost 2 years, did not know who he was, which is unusual. Maybe this isn’t a big deal but I did feel a slight ick afterwards. Maybe he left, who knows?)

So I got the job, hooray! In the beginning everything went well. I began to be trained and I made two new friends within my coworkers, who were being trained with me. It seemed really interesting and I enjoyed learning everything there was about the job, the company’s values, and its history, and the trainer seemed really nice. This continued for about a month. Then we were all going to be getting our schedules real soon and would be contacted by the manager shortly. One week goes by, I don’t hear anything. Two, then three and then I start to get paranoid. I start getting anxious and cry and start to worry thinking that “Dang, maybe they don’t want me anymore.” This feeling intensified when my other coworkers told me that they already started their shifts, and were also confused about this as well.

I texted my trainer about this within the first 2 weeks, she said that she told the manager and that she would call me the following day. I don’t hear anything. Then I text her again, she says that that was strange, but she'll remind her again. This continued on for weeks. She gave me her number so I could talk to her myself as it was really strange how nothing has changed yet. Right after I text the manager, I get a call from one of the other managers saying something like, “Hey, I just finished talking with the trainer, and we had a talk about how you’re training was going and she said you appeared to be overwhelmed,” I didn’t know where this was going but I continued listening. She said something similar to, “You know, this is a very fast paced job and it can be a bit overwhelming for some and we’ve had a lot of people leave in the past because they couldn’t handle it.” She was really nice to me about it and tried to offer me other positions within the enterprise but in different towns. “I really don’t want you to leave, but I just want you to be okay and not get so overwhelmed.” She also started saying how my trainer is starting school again so she’s also going to be busy or something like that.

I explained to her what happened with me not being scheduled for nearly a month, and she suggested that I can do more training sessions if I still feel like I’m not ready. I was like okay, that would be nice. Then, the manager who I texted, lets call her Sophia, replied saying that we could have a talk about it with the other manager who I just spoke to.

To be honest, ALL OF THIS PISSED ME OFF.

Like, why are all of you trying to give me meetings or sitdowns or what not? Why wouldn’t you tell me this info one week ago? Or two? Or 3?!

Like what in the?

JUST GIVE ME MY DAMN SCHEDULE!!

Spoiler alert, no training happened. And then, school started.

I was in my last class, English, and I got a call from the assistant manager AGAIN. Let’s call her Sara. I texted her and was like,” I’m in class so I can’t be on the phone right now.”

Then she hit me with: “So how come you weren’t at work yesterday? Or today?”

And in my mind I was like “HUH?!”

“ I GOT A SCHEDULE NOW?”

She didn’t know that I was unaware but to be honest I didn’t check because training schedules were usually done through text message during this time.

My parents felt like I was being set up and throughout my whole time at my job were BEGGING me to quit.

But…. I needed the money.

I went there and I was greeted by this shift lead who was really sweet, and she taught me how to do things and apologized for what happened saying it was a miscommunication.

But why was she apologizing to me for something she didn’t do?

She eventually left a few months later as she was fed up with the disorganization of everything. She didn’t show up on her last 2 shifts, but to be honest given the experience I went through, hell I’d do the same thing.

So my schedule that they gave me that week was really random.

It was basically everyday from 9-5pm and 7-3 on weekends.

I WAS 16! I HAD SCHOOL!

THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT ON MY AVAILABILITY.

I showed up on those days, after school obviously. The whole atmosphere was extremely depressing. On a Saturday, on my 7-3pm shift, I met one of my good friends, I’ll call her Lacy. Poor girl had to learn how to do everything all in one day on her first day. Luckily, her sister was also one of the managers (a good manager btw) so she was able to learn everything quickly. I felt so bad for her.

Eventually, I changed my availability. But there were many times during my time there where they did not follow that.

So in the first couple months, I didn’t really learn much. Me and the other trainees were mostly used to just cleaning and nothing else really.

Then, we began to become extremely understaffed to the point where the shift lead would be taking orders, making the orders, and using the drive thru all at once.

One day, one of the managers finished their shift, and there was no one else to lead the closing shift. HR and all the other managers decided to close everything down at around 4:00, and make the next few days MANDATORY training days.

I overheard the HR managers from Beekers, who were also in charge of Bookers, and Sara talking in the dish area, and she was saying how upset she was that none of the trainees knew how to do anything, and that they should at least learn how to do some of the things on the job. Lacy overheard this conversation as well, and let's just say we weren’t too happy with it.

Many people, including myself, were quite annoyed by the whole disorganization of everything, saying to each other that they should’ve trained us a long time ago instead of forcing us to be there now.

One of the trainees, let’s call him Jacob, was new and told us that they have not been called to our job since August.

It was October.

We began to be trained. Although we were all annoyed by the management, we all began to be friends with one another. I’m grateful for all the friendships I’ve made during my time there.

After the training days, we were able to help out during our shifts instead of leaving the leadership stressing out about everything.

And then hooray! More people began to apply so we got lots of help and we didn’t have to stress, and I made even more friends.
One day, we were all shocked when we all got a text from Sophia, the manager of our drive thru, telling us that she was leaving and that we would all have to report to Sara.

Sophia wasn’t a bad manager, she was nice for the most part. But that whole scheduling thing did bother me.

Me and my friend, let’s call her Alice, were so shocked. Rumors of why she left began to spread, the most consistent one being that Sara just didn’t let her do her job because she wanted power for herself.

Then Bookers began to tank. Because we had so many people, schedules changed from being more frequent, to becoming fewer and fewer shifts.

I did not realize this until I asked Sara why my days were getting shorter and she told me that even though my availability was on those days, I wouldn’t always work on those days.

Then it went from 3 days to 2 and then to 1, then to none. For 3 weeks, I had no schedule. This was during Christmas break. One of my coworkers told me how they were beginning to be trained and so were other people by Sara, with schedules made under a group chat. I knew nothing of this and they told me to ask her about it.

It was early in the day so I later forgot at the end of my shift (12-9 pm).

After those 3 weeks, I finally mustered up the courage to ask Sara why she did not schedule me for about a WHOLE MONTH.

She was like, "Well how come you didn’t respond when I asked in the groupchat?”

“Group chat? I never got into any group chat.”

That was when I remembered what my co worker told me.

She noticed that and apologized for forgetting to add my number. She told me that she didn’t have any more shifts open for me (I kinda call bull as there were barely anyone else who dealt with the same longevity of not being called in as I did, everyone else seemed to at least have one shift but there’s a possibility that there were some who may have dealt with similar issues as I did.)

She suggested that I go to Beekers and pick up a shift in a different department there by asking one of the HR managers, and that she’ll let them know I’m coming.

I was like ‘HUH?!”

But, I needed the money! My parents kept telling me to quit, or to transfer to Beekers but I didn’t listen.

I went in there and they told me to work at the Bakery there. I asked why I was even being transferred in the first place to one of the other managers, let’s call him Austin. He explained to me that Beekers is running out of hours to give to workers due to the influx of people coming in, which also affects Bookers.

I was one of the only few young people in the bakery then to become the youngest person, but everyone was so sweet to me for the most part. They gave me a 15 minute break for a 5 hour shift (which is usually just a 10 minute.) My time there just involved me packaging things and putting things away. The elderly lady who I worked mostly alone with on a Sunday was really kind to me, even giving me a free cookie! I was going to bring the dish rack to the sink. This dish rack was huge and heavy, probably about 6 ½ feet tall (I’m 5’3.) I had to push it through this narrow space, However, the floor was wet, and one of the wheels wasn't working properly.

Then, BAAM!

All the dishes fell off the metal rack and landed near my feet. If I had been a few inches closer, I would’ve been crushed and would’ve died. The sweet old lady rushed in asking me if I was okay and I was fine for the most part.

However later her shift ended and one other elderly lady took over. Once again just us two. I felt so bad for them. How can these two women do all this work alone and close alone?

She didn’t really know what to do with me. I am under 18, so I couldn’t use the machines. She suggested that I try asking my department (Bookers was a department under Beekers), if I could finish my shift there. I texted one of the managers and begged to come in and she responded later saying I could come in. So I basically did two jobs in one day.

I also later got my hours back. A lot of workers would talk about each other behind their backs and I had to listen to it all during my time there. Then this whole other drama started. One of my friends, let’s call her Samantha, got fired all of the sudden. I didn’t know why so I texted her and she told me that someone showed a snapchat that she posted, saying that Bookers was filled with racists and what not and that the person went to HR, showed them the photo and said Samantha was lying. I was shocked when she told me who it was, as that person didn’t seem to appear as someone who would do that.

In my personal opinion, was any of the individuals actively discriminating or being against anyone from what I have seen? No. Were there a lot of stereotypical racial jokes that people did towards each other at times? Yes.

I am not defending this, but Bookers was really diverse, like REALLY diverse. So people would talk about stereotypes regularly but I never saw any forms of discriminatory behavior. But to be honest looking back, it was really unprofessional for us to be doing that. It was so weird even though most of the people I worked with were all under 21.

Then Jacob got fired. Jacob was kind of seen as the golden boy of Bookers. He was quickly certified and he also was dating one of my friends. Our shifts all together were really chill, as the people I usually worked shifts with all seemed pretty entertaining, making jokes and all that fun stuff.

I didn’t know about this until one day, Jacob and one of my other coworkers (let’s call her Mary), who began to train me from January to March, were sitting down. I was cleaning Bookers (This will be important later!!!) and I was asking them how they were doing and then that’s when they spilled the beans that he was fired.

Apparently, one of my other co-workers who left, let’s call her Connie, thought that Jacob and her had beef. He made a joke with her saying something like “All minorities are welcome here.” and she spun it as a lie. She later reported to HR saying that he was racist towards her (both of them were POC). Without a chance to defend himself, he had no choice but to resign.

Then everyone began to leave. My other coworker who was sitting with him, my friend that was dating him, and then a bunch of other people left. I stayed for about 2 months shortly after many of my friends left.

So, remember how I said that the cleaning part would be important later? This is why.

That was all I did.

My whole 10 MONTHS of me being there I WAS JUST CLEANING. I would never make orders, unless heating up food, I was rarely on drive through, and I mostly was delegated to the same tasks of cleaning and doing dishes.

Everyone else got the chance to make orders and be on drive thru often, even people who were hired AFTER me, got the chance and were on their way to becoming certified.

I felt like a maid. People even teased me in a joking manner saying that I was their maid. I acted like I was fine, but deep down I felt like I was seen as a less than.

I would come home crying sometimes, because of all the stress the job has put me though, as I felt like all I was seen as was just someone who wasn’t good at anything except that. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough as a person, as me.

My parents were concerned about me crying and loathing about going to work. I would often be a few minutes late during my last time there as I was dreading and being so sad that I had to be at a place that didn’t value me. That’s when I decided I should leave Bookers for good, as no place is worth me sacrificing my mental health.

All of the ex workers and co workers of mine told me that their mental health was basically in the dumpster for the most part during their time there.

To be honest, I wasn’t the greatest worker. I would often forget things, as I am someone who can be very forgetful and clumsy. I would forget what certain things were called or would ask too many questions. There were times where one of the assistant managers, let’s call her Whitney, would make me feel dumb for forgetting where certain things go and everything, and I get it. Repeating the same thing to someone can be so irritating, but that’s no excuse to be rude.

Whitney was an interesting character. She wasn’t a bad person or anything like that, she was chill for the most part. But there were times where she kinda rubbed me the wrong way. One, she always put me on cleaning duty every time I was there. Did she not have any faith in me to do anything else? Two, she would often talk about intimate details about her personal life from time to time. And 3, she could be really sweet from time to time, but also lost her patience quickly.

On my last day though, I lost some respect for her.

Two of my friends also told me they were quitting in the following week, and were so happy for me that I was leaving, and that they felt so bad for what I went through. We had someone who worked at a store connected to our Bookers doing our dishes, (He was sweet and he did this often as a favor), and he told us that because so many people are leaving such as us, that there is nothing wrong with us, but rather its how the leadership runs everything.

Whitney was on me my whole shift as I kept messing up and forgetting things. I also asked if I could go on my break as everyone else went except me and it had been quite some time since the last person’s break, but she interrupted me and asked to do a bunch of other things. I did them and then I was given permission to go. I sometimes took an extra few minutes on my break because screw that place for making do nothing but clean. Also what place makes you take only 15 minutes for a 6 hour shift?! UNHEARD OF!!

I came back and felt bad for taking so long and apologized. She's like, “Nah you always take so long.” I continued working and used my Airpods. I often saw shift leads use them, so I thought it was fine since I only wore one usually and took it off when I took front orders, and I did nothing else but clean so it wasn't like I was on drive thru having them on. I did this for many months almost unnoticed. Whitney also wore them as well and said “Hey I notice you’re wearing AirPods but I’m not going to say anything since I have one on too.” Sometimes I wouldn’t understand her directions and asked her to repeat it (I get it though I was a bit annoying.) and she said “Alright next time you can’t wear AirPods on shift since you can’t hear me.” I could hear her, but I couldn’t understand it sometimes because I was so caught up with what I was doing. But to be honest, sometimes I just couldn’t hear her. I don’t know if she knew that that was my last day. I laughed to myself after she said that.

My shift ended and I saw all the managers getting together. Sara was like “Aww Nasrin, why are you leaving?” I told her about how I was going to do another opportunity during the summer and couldn’t work at the same time. I realized they were having a meeting. I sat down near them while I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up.

You’d think they would talk about their concerns about so many people leaving, or how they could improve working conditions or how to be better leaders?

From what I’ve seen, NOPE!

Granted I was just there for about 15 minutes, so they may or may not have talked about this.

They started complaining about us teenagers and things we were doing wrong. Then they complained about how everyone is on their phones, which is weird considering that Whitney and Sara also do the same thing. Whitney said “Even James is one of the best workers and he’s employee of the month, but I always catch him on his phone sometimes” James was one of the most dedicated workers there. He would always come in to help out and work like 10 hours on the weekends. He was also the youngest and was also Employee of the Month, a practice that I never saw since I got hired. He literally works to bone. So I felt really upset about this and texted my coworkers and James, giving them the tea that I was hearing before I left, telling them they were gonna be on their cases when they have a team meeting. James was upset and said “I’m working so much on making orders because we’re so busy so yeah when I have downtime I’m on my phone.” They were all super disappointed and me and my other coworker kept begging him to leave. He said he will just not come in for extra help if they ask.

Then my mom picked me up, and I finally felt all of that weight released. I also started crying when I got home saying,

“I”M FREE!! I’M FINALLY FREE!!”

So yeah, I left with a bang.

Looking back on all of this, I realize that some of the things I did were immature. In the beginning, I was just a 16 year old shy kid who wanted to impress everyone and please everyone as a people pleaser in a job that I thought would make me feel good. But along the way, I began to lose myself as I felt like my value was not there. I was only used to cleaning up everything, so yeah I did take an extra three to five minutes on my breaks sometimes, I did use my AirPods because cleaning all the time made me lose my mind and it helped me calm down, and yes I often forget things. This wasn’t right in practice. But, considering all the disorganization, the obvious sign that they only saw me as someone who could just pick up the slack, that to them I wasn’t good at learning how to make orders, and all the rudeness and feelings of disrespect, and people leaving for similar reasons, I don’t regret my actions completely. I should’ve left a long time ago, especially when all my friends would keep telling me to leave, telling me that it's so obvious the job is ruining my mental health.

I should’ve listened to everyone who kept telling me to leave.

Based on what we’ve learned this was a toxic environment, and I should’ve taken heed a long time ago.

To all of you who may be going through some of this, I advise you to get out. I know as young people, we are inclined to chase after money. But eventually, your mental health may suffer from that, and it's always important to look after yourself.

You deserve to be at a place where you are valued, where your voice is heard. Where you feel like you matter.

Writing all this made me feel almost as bad as I felt there. But it also felt therapeutic. I don’t regret being there, as it was my first job, and from this I’ve learned where to indicate signs of being in a toxic environment.

If you feel uncomfortable towards anyone, LEAVE.

If you hear anyone talking about others behind their back, LEAVE! This means that they could be talking about you like that too.

If you continuously feel depressed or hate being in an environment, LEAVE!

You are worth much more than where you are now.

Please don’t do what I did.

Thank you so much for reading! I know this was a bit long and I’m so sorry for all the tech issues. Let me know if you want to hear more personal stories!

I hope you all enjoy your day!

See you all next Friday!

xoxo,

– nasrina